Dying To Be Thin
by ilovetheliquidtopaz
Summary: One shot,Bella's POV,Please Read and Review She fell to the ground in slow motion, her crumpled body of bones awkwardly sprawling on the floor. My father was first up from the table, grabbing underneath her arms, and yanking her upwards onto the couch." x
1. Chapter 1

One shot, Bella's point of view. I just had a random idea one day, and it just developed into this. Read and Review!

Ally is just a character I'm using in this story

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Dying To Be Thin-

Bella' Point Of View-

I padded into Ally's room slowly, calmly. I knew by now that if I started yelling, she would to, and then I'd get in trouble again. I just couldn't help it. Was it so wrong to voice my opinion, to speak up, to try and keep this family together, and my sister alive?

The smell of death lingered in the room, causing me to crinkle my nose in disgust. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, trying to calm myself before I set eyes on her.

The pot plant stood decaying in the cracked terracotta pot, despite its weekly watering. Just like Ally. She was like the plant, slowly disintegrating away, as my family and I stood watching, helpless and frustrated, because there was nothing we could do. I peeked through my eyelids, and saw the skeletal form of my sister in her bed. Her soulless eyes sunken into her face, her cheekbones protruding from her grayish skin, her body unmoving. It was only this morning that she had been doing sit-ups on the floor while the rest of the house was sleeping. And now she was exhausted, in the middle of the day, because of all the ridiculous exercise she did. My parents took turns in insuring that she ate, even if it meant shoving food into her miniature frame, keeping her alive- just. They felt the need to do this, after I'd told them how she'd been stuffing her food down the drain, -trying to get out of eating- and that's why it was all blocked up. I didn't want to tell on her, but she was starving herself to death! What else was I supposed to do? I hated her for doing this to me, to us! She had turned our lives upside down with this constant battle between her and her food. I couldn't believe she could be so selfish!

'_Actually, no, it's YOUR FAULT!' YOU called her fat! YOU said she looked like a pig! YOU are the reason she's like this' _The Mr. Hyde in my brain screeched at me.

I ignored him, and walked further into the room.

'Hey, do you wanna go watch TV?' I kept my voice sickly sweet, already knowing the answer.

'I'm fine, thanks' she replied. Fine, as if it was quite normal to weigh 5 stone. Fine to visit psychiatrists every week. Fine to be stuffing food down the sink. Fine to go for two hour runs every day. I swallowed back the tears, with words I was unable to verbalize stuck in my throat. It was as if she had absolutely no concept of reality. The world revolved around her now and that's how she liked it. I left the room.

Later that day I returned, when she was out. I had refused to go to the weekly psychiatrist sessions after they'd accused me of being anorexic too, which had directed my parent's attention away from her, to me, which I bet she hated. How good were these so called health professionals? When they couldn't come up with any reason for why Ally was like this, and it made it seem like they weren't able to do their job correctly, they fired questions and accusations at me. "Well if you're her older sister and you're so skinny then you must be starving yourself and making her do the same." They sat behind their one-way mirror scrutinizing my every move. If I looked away from the psychiatrist in the room questioning me then that automatically means I _must_ be guilty. Guilty of what? I was only sixteen years old. Why would I want to waste my life like that? What could I possibly have done to make this happen? Now I wasn't attending these ridiculous charades I was _obviously_ hiding something and my parents, after prompting from those in white coats, would bombard me with endless questions. 'What did you eat today? When did you eat today? I don't remember seeing you eating today? Are you hiding something from us?' Constant hassle that I couldn't be bothered to put up with. Most days I would storm away from them, which again, when they consulted my 'situation' with the evil beings in the white coats, would lead them to the conclusion that I was hiding something, and that 'something' was that I was anorexic. It was as if they were feeling guilty, so they thought 'Oh yeah, lets blame it on Bella'

I knew her tricks. All her little secrets, all the rules to her sick little game. She'd drink liters' of water at a time, just before the nurse would come and take her to be weighed, so that when she got on the scales, she'd have miraculously gained several kilos over night, despite all the food she kept hidden in her room. Why didn't Mum and Dad just put her into hospital? Why did they waste time away from work to watch her every move and yet still miss the discarded food and the pills to speed up her metabolism? All I could think about was how long she's got before she dies? How could someone manage to survive on a diet of water and crackers interspersed with sit-ups and running on the spot in the middle of the night? How could she not see that she looked like a freak, with her hipbones jutting out through the thick sweatpants that hung off her tiny frame; her lank, lifeless hair –what there was left of it- stuck to her now oversized head? It was sick that she could actually look in the mirror, and think herself beautiful!

Outside, the car door slammed. I hadn't realized I'd been thinking about Ally for so long. I jumped up, and quickly made for my room to stay out of the way. There I buried my head in a test book and pretended to read. Pretend is all I could do these days, I would reach the bottom of a page and realize I hadn't taken in a single word.

Abruptly, my door flew open, and my father stood in the doorway, eyes flaming.

'Did you know?' he asked, his voice harsh and cold. I carried on 'reading' as I if I hadn't heard him, the whole page blurring as tears filled my eyes.

'DID YOU KNOW?' he roared, the tears threatening to spill over. I glanced slowly up at his face, for the first time in my life afraid of him. He was glaring at me, beyond furious, I had never seen him so angry.

'I don't know what you m-mean,' I choked, stuttering. 'I'm gonna go help Mum.' I scrambled up from my chair, and legged it out of the room.

I flew down the stairs, but came to a sudden halt as I caught sight of what was in the kitchen.

Mum sat at the dining table, staring straight ahead at nothing, her lips pressed in a tight line. Then the crystalline sparkle running down her cheek caught my eye. I rushed forwards, my arms outstretched, wanting to comfort her, and to tell her everything was going to be all right. She suddenly snapped out of her daze, jumping up from the chair, and flinching away from me, into the furthest corner of the room.

'Dad, um, sent me down' I mumbled, looking at the floor, wringing my hand together.

After a minute of complete silence, I muttered 'I'll set the table', taking the tablecloth and placemats from the drawer. This is what I hated most, meal times. The drama, the tears, the refusal to eat, the lies. "I'm full. I ate earlier. I don't like meat." The same old excuses. "How would tonight be any different?" I wondered.

After I was finished doing the table, I went, sat, and watched TV.

As Mum called 'Dinner's ready', I started to panic. 'Oh my gosh, I just can't take this any longer' I whispered to myself, frustrated.

'Bella?' Mum called again. I took a deep breath, and walked into the dining room.

We all sat in silence. She had been made to join us at the table tonight rather than eating in bed like an some sort of invalid. It must have been discussed at the white coat session this afternoon. They never told me what was said during the meetings now. I was a traitor for daring to speak up and denouncing the sessions as a waste of time.

She just sat there, pushing her food around her plate, as I watched in horror at my parents decision to act oblivious and do nothing!

'This is ridiculous!' I exclaimed.

'Bella!, Mum hissed at me through clenched teeth, giving me an evil stare. 'Can't you see she's trying?'

'Oh, is that what you call it, huh? No, I'd call it beating about the bush,' I spat. 'How many times have we done this? Sit here and watch her push it around her plate for an hour, and then you guys get fed up, so she goes to bed with nothing in her stomach! It's pathetic! You _know_ how bad she is! She needs help!' I screamed, frustrated, as they sat there doing nothing, as usual.

Ally's head whipped up, and her eyes locked with mine. She used my screeching as an opportunity to get away from the table. She was just pushing back her chair when she seemed to stumble. She fell to the ground in slow motion, her crumpled body of bones awkwardly sprawling on the floor.

My father was first up from the table, grabbing underneath her arms, and yanking her upwards onto the couch.

'Ally' My Mum screamed, scrambling up from her chair, hers arms reaching for her. I half stood, half sat, frozen, my body unable to register what was happening. I could see my father yelling at me, my mother rushing from the room, but I couldn't hear them. It was as if I was watching the whole scene from a distance, like I wasn't part of the situation at all.

Finally, a high-pitched siren broke through my barrier. Two men dressed in green came rushing through the room, knocking me out of the way. I watched in horror as one of them took her pulse, and then started shaking his head. Once again, the sound was gone. My father broke down on the floor, my mother was sobbing, with her arm round lifeless Ally, clutching her to her chest. She glanced up, mascara running down her cheeks, and looked right into my eyes, penetrating right into my soul. I felt the hatred from her piercing at me, stabbing at me like sharp shards of glass.

Then it hit me. _**I**_ had killed my sister.


	2. The End Is Nigh

Prelude: The way my life turned out wasn't exactly how I wanted. What _I _wanted was to be happy. What _fate_ wanted, was for me to be unhappy. I didn't know what to do at first, when Ally died. I felt empty, hollow, like a hole had been punched through my chest. I _did_ try to get over it, and move on with my life, but it was a struggle.

I got up every morning, I ate, I went to school, I came home, I went to bed. I was fine.

Well, that's what it looked like, on the outside. However, on the inside, I was fading away. Deteriorating, slowly melting, so slowly that no one realized at first. Then came the questions. Constant hassle that I just didn't need. That I couldn't take. So now here I sit, in this white room, pretty darn pleased with myself. Now all I have left to do is wait.

***************

Hate. It lurks. Clawing its way towards you, as you try to stay out of its reach. Scrambling at your ankles, it gets closer. Grabbing out skin and climbing up. Like nails digging into your body, it leaves marks behind. It tears you apart, inside and outside it crawls. Eating away at your soul, it forces you to change. To adapt. You make way for its presence even though it wasn't invited into your life. It finds you. You shouldn't dwell on such a thing. You shouldn't let it take over your life. Otherwise, you become bitter and twisted. It hurts.

Love. Its joy among people. Everybody yearns for it, wants to feel it, to experience it. It is a necessary process in life. Maybe it will be painful and hard. Maybe it will be swift and easy. No one knows when or how it will happen, just that it will. Some people wait forever for love to occur. Except, love hurts. One thing that never hurts is death. If there is one promise in life that can be forever kept, it's death. Death is the way out, it's the easy option. And it makes you hate yourself even more for choosing it, but sometimes you don't have a choice. Sometimes you're trapped, you're suffocating, you're being dragged under. And all you want to do is look up at the sky and scream 'Stop, please, make it stop.' But it doesn't, it keeps on piercing you, poisoning you from the inside out, until you're someone you yourself don't even recognise, someone you don't want to be!

I remember when it all started. It was just after Ally died. Mum was always quiet, never speaking to anyone, never making eye contact with anyone, especially me. Dad was much the same, so I brushed it off. But then, as the months went on, and Auntie May dragged us to psychiatrist after psychiatrist, trying to get us to talk about our 'family issues' Mum still couldn't give me more than a fleeting look before quickly adverting her eyes.

Then we started arguing, just over stupid petty things.

The only reason Mum was doing this to herself was because of me. So maybe, If I took myself out of the equation, then she could just go back to normal, she wouldn't be worried or sad or depressed anymore. And I would be happy to. Finally free of all the guilt that had threatened to throw me off the edge for these past couple of years. I knew that what I was planning was selfish, but I couldn't see any other way out, I had just ran out of options!

I walked into Ally's old room, the smell of death lingered there. I knew it was all in my head, but sometimes, when I was alone, I felt all empty and hollow inside, and it was like I could hear her talking to me, whispering to me, telling me to 'follow through, follow on'. Those words haunted me from the age of sixteen, until now, two years later. I can finally say I understand what Ally has been whispering to me for all these years.

Sometimes it is hard to accept, but we mustn't cringe at the thought. We must embrace death. Welcome it into our homes, realize that it's a vital part in the circle of life.

The old die, and the new are born. We should live with the knowledge that it is out there, floating around. We should live like there might not be a tomorrow. Live like our loved ones might be fading away as we speak. I have a destiny, and so I must fulfil it.

This made my mind up for me. Of course, they'd be better off, without the hassle, the strain, the stress. Like that Ariel advert on TV, 'Another load off your mind'. This is my gift to her, to Ally.

At least this way, we all get what we want. We were always together when she was alive, now we can be together forever. Bella and Ally. Us against the world. She was amazing, back when we were happy. When we were a family, when we all got along, and my heart hadn't been torn, mangled and twisted. 'Back in the day' as Dad would say.

I remember her lying in be, everyday, slowly dying. She would pretend that nothing was wrong, and that everything would be alright. But it wasn't, just look at me now.

For the past two years I mourned. Yeah, pathetic isn't it? I thought I had dealt with all the grief. Then,

Mum dragged me to all those physiatrists, trying to get me to '_deal with my issues_.'

That was the only thing we ever fought about. I remember one time in particular.

2 years previous:

' "Mum, I don't want to go. I'm fine, honest!' I said slowly. I had learnt over the years that shouting never got me anywhere.

'Bella, I'm sick of this, watching you mope around, lifeless, acting like you're the only one who has lost somebody' She screeched at me. _Jeez, a little overboard, Mum_!

'Ally's dead, Bella! She's dead, okay!' I recoiled up against the wall, putting as much space between us as I could while she still gripped my hand. Huh? Was she trying to hurt me? To shove me deeper into the black, bottomless pit of sorrow I had already been sucked into? I knew all this, I didn't need reminding.

'This- this isn't healthy, what you're putting yourself through. You need to stop this! Its hurting me too, y'know. You need to deal with this-

'I am, I have! I'm fine, please-'

'properly. You need to grieve for Ally properly.' Abruptly, a wave of anger swept through me. What did she know of my grief? She wasn't me, so how could she know?

'You talk about Ally as is she was our dog or something! You,-you just. You didn't even

grieve for her. At least I _showed_ I was unhappy. At least I made an _effort_ to, to show that I cared. What did you do? Sit there, acting like it wasn't real, or as if we were in some soap opera.' I screamed at her, my voice shaking. I jerked my hand out of her grasped, and turned my head away.

'How dare you? How dare you,' She grabbed my chin, forcing my to look at her.

'She was my daughter, of course I grieved for her. She was my, my _precious_ little girl, my _baby_. And, and, yy- you,-' she broke off, falling to the floor, sobbing. _Oh, crap!_

'Mum? Mum? Oh look Mum, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I was angry, and I'm-'

'No, pet,' she said quietly, wiping her eyes. 'It's okay, love, really. We don't have to go for your appointment today, okay, sweetie, I'm sorry.'

'Thanks, Mum' I whispered, relieved."

I was always afraid when I was younger, that I would never be with my sister again. I was selfish, scared of the pain that I might have to go through in order for us to be together

But now I was ready now, pain meant nothing. 'A moment of pain for a lifetime of pleasure'

I would be with Ally soon enough.

I stood up slowly, my chair scraping against the floor, a grin stretching across my face. 'Isabella Swan! What do you think you're doing?' Mr Masen asked. It was forming in my head, the plan.

'Isabella, Isabella!' He called again.

'Hmm, what Sir?' I asked, in a bored voice, as if he were interrupting something important. As I gazed at him, I noticed for the first time how scruffy he was, with his faded blue jeans, and his crumpled white shirt

'Isabella, WHAT are you doing?' he screeched, turning his face turning a colour close to beetroot.

'I don't care' I replied simply. This caught him off guard.

'You-, you what?' he asked, utterly confused. He composed himself. 'You don't care? About what, exactly?' tapping his foot against the smooth polished floor.

'About everything. About you, about them,' I pointed to the on-looking class, who were staring at me as though I had three heads and webbed feet.

'I don't care. And why should I? What do I have left?' That question was more to myself than to anyone else. What _did _I have left. Nothing, that's what. There was only one way I knew I could be happy….

For a moment , a thought came into my head. 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING? END THIS MADNESS!' my sane side screamed at me, making me wince slightly. But it was to late. Nothing could be done. Things had happened, things that had permanently changed me, and this was the way things were supposed to be. I strode out of the little classroom, leaving everything behind me.

'Uh? Bella, Bella? Isabella?' called the receptionist, Megan, as she watched me stalk past her. I began to run. At first, I didn't even know where I was going. I didn't even _see_ where I was going. But while I was running, spaced out, my subconscious mind lead me to the perfect place.

I stood on the ledge looking down, my heart beating like a drum. Down below, I could see the waves crashing against the cliffs. The water splashed and sprayed, jumping up like a

caffeinated rabbit, inviting me in.

I shivered involuntarily, as the wind screamed at me, 'Jump, Jump, Jump'.

I looked back at my locket laying next to my shoes. The one thing I never went anywhere without. Until now. I wouldn't need it where I was going. Perfect thing to put in place of remembering me. I knew someone would find it, eventually.  
I closed my eyes and found myself going back to this morning when I had decided I wanted to end my life. The smile I wore on my face. The hugs I gave to random people as I ran towards this place. The note I wrote explaining to my mother, I knew she would be happy now. And if she wasn't, I really couldn't care les. All these years she had blamed me for Ally death, with no reason to. Wasn't it my time to be happy? My mouth curved upwards. '_Happy,'_ I thought. '_Finally'_. My eyes flashed open to the sound of a distant clock chime and I knew it was my time to jump.  
I listened for it to chime four times, so I could hear the twelfth one before crashing into the water. I took a deep breath and stepped off.  
Falling felt incredible. The wind in my face, blowing through my hair, and stinging my opened eyes. Giggles bursting from my lips with no control. What a time to be laughing. It was so exhilarating, like nothing I'd ever felt before. I felt my heart pace quicken as I was nearing the water. This was it. My last moments alive. I heard the clock sing its twelfth chime and I closed my eyes.  
My feet hit the water first. The pain burned through my body like an electric shock. The icy cold water caught me off guard, forcing the breath out of me. The wet waves took over and threw me around like a rag doll, forcing me to tumble and turn. Further and further I sunk.

Acting on instinct, I opened my mouth, searching for air. I had thought that pain was nothing, I realised then that I was greatly mistaken.

Bubbles shot out of my mouth, floating to the surface. My arms involuntarily tried to follow them, but, it was a wasted effort, my mind was set. Mind over matter. Today** was** my last day.

My lungs were burning, and I couldn't think straight, but it didn't matter. I was nearly there, so close to death that I could almost taste it.

'Haha, I win' I thought, as I felt the life slowly draining out of me. I felt my sub consciousness take over my mind and my heart slow down to a stop. 'I'm coming Ally, I'm coming.' My last thoughts, I smiled. That was it. Death was easy.


End file.
